Is there a better solution to Bipolar side effects?

I found more information regarding the topic of methods to self medicate with BP. 

(I tried self-medicating (with my fav drug of choice- pot, amongst others), and it always ended up out of control, because it did nothing to control my disorder. I was just kidding myself.)

I am a bit concerned.  I've seen others who get mean when smoking to much.  From what I know with any drug and Bipolar the mix is lethal.  It's as if there's no turn off switch.  Enough is NEVER enough!

Meditation, Tai Chi, Yoga, Truehope vitamins, Eating right, exercise are all good choices.  I don't know how effective they are since mood swings can be so unpredictable.  How would someone who suffers with unpredictable mood swings stay on task anyway?  When the depression hits it would be rare if someone would jump up and do their tai chi. Maybe the depression can be held away for a while doing the right things though.

Then there's the doctors choice of Lithium, Depakote, Effexor, and the list goes ON!  The argument is what is worse?  Suicide, violence or horrible side effects?  Some well a lot of people do very well with the medications and don't want to live with out them.  Other's miss their high's.  And take the lows that come with the highs.  Maybe it depends on the severity of your shifting moods.  If suicide or violence is a common symptom, and medication helps, then that sounds like the best option.  Everyone is different.  I found my husband does much better when he is off any medications.  He's a freaking zombie on them.  Maybe we never found the right combination?

 Then you wonder would life be more normal?  Less isolation?  Less of everything which isn't normal in MY normal world?  Who's to say what is right and what is wrong?  If Einstein had to take medication would we have the awesome inventions we would have?  Would David's Artwork exist?  All of this is very confusing.  I know a lot of people lose their creativity and therefore do not create although some argue it helps them focus and therefore do very well.  Maybe it's the amount given to a person that needs to be watched better.  Our personal experience has been TO MUCH medication!  The zombie in him emerges!  In the beginning before we knew what the diagnosis was they were giving a crazy combination of different depression pills and he would sit for weeks drooling not even there!  Yeah that works!  The doctors would say well just give him less.  Still zombie.  Well try this.  Still zombie.  Try this, Okay you get the picture.  Months go by.  This is NOT working!  What a nightmare!

Suffice to say, I know this for a fact! 
Bipolar and narcotics are a lethal combination! 
Depression medication (not bipolar medication) does NOT work for Bipolar. 
And if they are feeling angry, give them their space. 
If they need to be alone, leave them alone.
If they are self medicating (alcohol or whatever) watch them VERY carefully!
Give praise, understanding and love.
Be supportive.

Our name for Bipolar is now Gifted.  We hate the word Bipolar.  I do not label my husband like that.  I think he is a gifted amazing human being!  So smart and talented and I'm very proud of him.

Books I've read on the subject suggest our brain is lacking complex B vitamins along with several other vitamins and minerals that we need to function normally and if we take the right vitamins and eat the right things are brains are nourished enough to function without any prescription drugs.   Is this really possible?  If we look in the past years back no one knew there was such a thing as Bipolar.  People like Picasso and Divinci were great artists and very strange to the rest of the world.  YES!  But weren't they Brilliant???  Amazing?  Gifted?  I'd argue they had an advantage over the rest of us!  Look at Einstein.  Are we going to label him as weird?
See www.truehope.com
Here's a book called The Natural Medicine Guide to Bipolar Disorder


I hate labeling someone with a disease.  Now they are "depressed"  or "Bipolar"  That is not who they are.   The person your referring to is just like you or me.  They may think differently.  Act differently.  Live their lives a different way.  Their habits are different.  What can we expect? They are brilliant in their own way. Gifted.  Racing thoughts, rage, hyper activity, violent, moody, impossible to be around until the flip side which is happy, hyper, wonderful, loving, fun OH LORD!  This is all so confusing. 
In my house, I dodge the bullet.  I live in the house and he stays in the garage.  Yep!  He's happier that way.  I don't like it.  But, what is the alternative.  I am not him.  I can not understand why he does what he does.  I can't understand why he wants to be alone all the time.  My job is to be a patient loving wife and wait until he needs me and be there.  Very difficult!
http://www.psychforums.com/bipolar/  Here is a link to a forum with many views and opinions that may help.
I was reading through some of the comments and have learned quite a bit.   Everyone has their own set of issues they struggle with!  All different people with different opinions.  It's had to pinpoint what works for some and not for others! 

I strongly believe art is a great method of healing.  A good outlet!

It works for many people!

ksl.com - Study examines prescription drug abuse in Utah

ksl.com - Study examines prescription drug abuse in Utah

This article is about the abuse of prescription drugs and deaths associated with it.

Marijuana helpful for Bipolar and Pain Relief ?

I just finished watching a show on Hulu.com called The true tale of American Marijuana.  This story was the fight to legalize marijuana for chronic pain sufferers.  I still have a lot of questions and a lot of previous experience with the treatment given to my husband by the pain clinics.  I will quickly share with you some of my experiences.  I believe each person has their own story and is affected differently by  narcotics, pain and depression.  My husband is a chronic pain sufferer.  He is also bipolar.  The combination as we have learned almost makes it impossible to treat either or.  He is also quite an amazing artist!  www.artbydavidpaul.com
Several years ago 2002 I believe he started having severe pain in his wrists.  One surgery then another till 11 surgeries had been performed led to unbelievable problems.  Massive nerve damage.  Dave was desperate to find a way to get rid of the pain.  The Doctors did what they believed they could do to help him.  One doctor severed a nerve and he got staph infection.  Long story made very short, this is what led to David being introduced to a pain clinic.  At first he was given a mild narcotic which seemed to work.  Later the Doctor increased his medications.  Before to long he was prescribed Oxycontin,  methadone, and trazadone along with many other cocktails.   

From About.com Substance Abuse

It is generally believed that 30% to 60% of those with bipolar disorder (manic depression) also struggle with alcoholism or substance abuse perhaps in an attempt to self-medicate.

I found this in about 2 seconds.  Really are doctors not educated enough to know about this?  Okay so is it advisable to give a bipolar sufferer addictive medications as strong as these were?  What were these idiot doctors thinking?  Results with David were awful!  Attempted suicides,  many overdoses,  always taking to many pills and having withdrawals before his script was to be refilled. Month after month.  No matter how painful, it kept happening.  Let's clap for David 3 years now he has been off that lethal drug cocktail!!!!  So what is one to do?  Is a natural alternative like marijuana use a better option?

I found this amazing website with many voices regarding this topic. 

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28964&cn=4

Reading through this I can see how some people feel their racing thoughts are being more controlled.  There is some talk about how numb they are to life and need to be aware it is the marijuana that is making them feel this way.  Addiction is an issue of course.  The question remains what would the quality of his life be if he decided to take this route?  Would it control his pain?  Would it help his creativity?  Would it cause a major addiction problems?  Would it make his life better because the pain and mood swings were more manageable?  Would this hurt his lungs?  What exactly are the pros and cons for David with this alternative therapy.  I can tell you this.  I know he will NEVER go back on narcotics!  Unless he has a death wish.  I live in Utah and don't believe medical marijuana is legalized here for medical use anyway.  In fact Ogden Utah made it illegal to smoke spice just recently.  That stuff scares me.

http://medicalmarijuana.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=000881
So there's my answer the link above question on which states have changed their law on medical marijuana.

I heard on the video from Hulu  Utah Mormons were the first to outlaw the drug.  First to say No to Pot and to Spice.  Hmmmm didn't know that.  Then all the states followed suit.   I think if it helps and you are in severe pain or terminal go for it.  We are all here on borrowed time and why not make it the best we can.  Personally I've read mostly good things in regards to treatment of bipolar vs. marijuana and pain so if he wants to give it a try and of course move to Oregon and get a medical prescription for it and it works that is a great thing.   One more reason to move to Oregon!  Ha ha  that's where we want to live anyway.  The alternative is much worse.  The side effects of the depression medications and pain medications.  Oh and to answer any questions on the ECigarettes.  They have been great!  A lot less smoking!  I totally recommend them!
I would love some feedback on this!  Have a great day!

Quitting Everything!

I have days that are unmotivated, tired, where I feel the world is against me.  I also have great days where I feel motivated happy and ready for a new adventure!  In a way, we can all relate to feeling this way I think.  To have a day magnified by 100% of my bad day would be unbearable yet millions of people face this problem.  How do we support our loved ones going through this rollercoaster of emotions?  I know that there are many different solutions, what works for you?  I would LOVE some feedback on this.

I learned that alcohol effects people differently based on their brain chemistry makeup.  There's a huge difference in how many people react to alcohol and there seems to be a reason that is connected to bipolar and other depressive disorders.  I only know what I have experienced and I have read and by no means am any kind of authority on the subject.  I'd like to say that if you've been diagnosed with bipolar then stay away from any kind of stimulant!  I'd like it if anyone who was bipolar would actually follow that advice.  From what I've seen they always self medicate.  Their normal is a high we've probably never felt.  When they feel down they want to feel up when they feel up they want to feel more UP.  Its a never ending cycle.  The consequences are very severe.  Suicide, Verbal outbursts, Violence, and this is not always the case.  SO, if it only happens once in a while should it be ignored?  Of course logic says NO.  But this seems to justify most people so they can continue enjoying their stimulants whatever they use.  Pick your poison, Caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes, pain pills, gambling, food, work, and anything else you overindulge with. The best way to avoid the temptation is to stay motivated.  Stay busy.  Do things you enjoy.  Take healthy supplements that feed your brain.  Yoga, Tai Chi, and any kind of daily exercise feeds endorphins and helps release serotonin in your brain.  And that works on everyone regardless of who they are!  Following my own advice would be a great thing!  lol.. 
I'm so proud of David.  He has chronic pain and was given pain pills Oxycontin, methadone, lortab you name it they gave it to him in the truckloads!  It almost cost him his life.  Logic would say he has pain, then he needs something to cope.  He's unlucky that way.  With Bipolar it affects him in a completely different way than most of us.  It almost killed him.  He became an instant addict (as most bipolars do with stimulants)  I lost count of the emergency room visits we went on.  I thank god everyday he is off those.  Its truly a miracle and has now been 3 years.  He also quit drinking hard alcohol.  We've had quite a few experiences with that as well and this has taught him to stay away from this stimulant.  ALSO if thats not enough he has stopped drinking caffeine.  Coffee is his passion and with that comes lots of sugar and caffeine both bad! 
Next tackle is the cigarettes!  Almost 2 packs a day!  In fact TODAY we are getting the ecigarettes and will kill another vice!  Here's a book about them. And a link to where you can buy them.  Electronic Health Cigarette Deluxe Kit. 2 E-cigarettes, 2 Atomizers, 2 Rechargable Batteries, 10 Cartridges (equals a carton of Tobacco Cigs), 3 Chargers, one for Car, Wall and USB.
  I was excited to find this link because everyone kept saying it was 150.00 to get a starter kit and this was half that price!


  Well I'll keep you posted on this no caffeine, no alcohol, no sugar, no cigarettes, OH GEEZ!  NO Sugar!  That one will be tough.  We might find that we feel a lot happier healthier and all that great stuff!  So here's to DAY 1 with E Cigarettes!

Am I Alone?

As I sit here thinking "does anyone else ever go through this?"  I remind myself there are so many people with loved ones who are bipolar.  I don't know if anyone truly understand what its like to live with someone who is bipolar unless you do.  Their lows are unbelievably low.  My husband is unreachable.  He has no desire to eat or really do much of anything.  He doesn't even have a memory of anything that happened when he starts to emerge out of his dark coma.  Its so hard for me to actually understand what he feels.  I try to ask him to explain to me what he feels and he doesn't want to talk.  I desperately cram amino acids, vitamin B complex, inositol powder, and anything else I have handy to him to help him get energy and come back to me.  I've considered not writing in here anymore and realized someone out there might find comfort that they are not alone as I have surfing through the internet from time to time.  I will try to track down the "alternative" prescription we use for his bipolar and it does seem to help him quite a bit.  Watch for that later this week!
Have a super weekend!
Kim

Wayne Dyer Movie!

www.DyerMovie.com



This really helped me change my thinking in a positive way!  Inexpensive download watch it on your computer!

Art as therapy for Bipolar and/or Chronic Pain Sufferers

Art therapy is the practice of doing art as a way to gain inner peace.  

Some examples are music, painting, drawing, singing, drama, poetry, writing, or any other form of creating.  

People who experience illness, chronic pain, trauma or have depression of any form can benefit especially.  This is because art offers an escape for them.  This is a safe place to be to find a some inner peace.  It quiets your mind and brings you back to your center.  The unhappiness of the world around you will disappear if only for a while.  Sometimes that break is all we need to recharge our batteries and start a fresh new day.  Once you begin your project and you will lose the grip that all those problems you feel you have on your mind.  This is such a gift!  Some of the most amazing pieces of artwork my husband has done is because he is able to fully lose himself with his art.  What are you interested in?  Have you ever found a project you love to do and realize the whole day has passed and you don’t have a clue where it went?  If you find yourself in a “funk”  try drawing a picture or writing a poem.  Some people enjoy to crochet, knit, sew or scrapbook.  What do you enjoy?  What are you waiting for?  Using art as therapy is a great way to meditate.  Exercise will help as well. We get natural endorphins flowing in our body as we exercise.  Which leads me to talk about tai chi.  Yoga. Pilates.   Some consider martial arts an art.  All of these things have something in common which is becoming one with the source.  Do yourself a favor.  Do something you love to do!

Help for Sleep Problems

My husband has a hard time with his sleeping.  He stays up late and wakes up early.  Or doesn't sleep at all.  There are times when he sleeps for days at a time.  His symptoms are less severe lately.

Sleeping is very crucial for someone with bipolar (manic depression).  This can lead to additional symptoms as lack of sleep drags on.  The mood swings with bipolar can cause too much sleep or not enough.  Either way can precipitate an episode. Sleeping will help lesson the frequency of the episodes.

Some good tips are:

• Avoid caffeine, nicotine, sugar,  alcohol, cheese, chocolate, or other stimulants before bedtime. 
• Get regular exercise.  Search Amazon.com for exercise dvd
• Don't eat heavy meals late in the day.
• If you find your mind wondering to much try writing a to do list and put it aside until the next morning.
• Use your room for sleeping only.  Do not have a TV in your bedroom.
• Try reading a book for a while before falling asleep.
• Get a relaxing cd of a sound that relaxes you I personally like ocean waves or a meditation CD to keep my thoughts on a inspirational wave.Search Amazon.com for relaxation cd

These come in liquid form.  I've added some helpful links below also from Vitamin World.


Valerian Root:  Good for nervousness, ulcers, headaches, colic, gas, pain, stress, anxiety, insomnia, convulsions, muscle cramps, and spasms.  Improves circulation and acts as a sedative.  Reduces mucus from colds.


Melatonin: Your body has its own internal clock that controls your natural cycle of sleeping and waking hours. In part, your body clock controls how much melatonin your body makes. Normally, melatonin levels begin to rise in the mid- to late evening, remain high for most of the night, and then drop in the early morning hours.

Kava Kava:
Another time-honored herbal insomnia fighter and muscle relaxer.  This can help you sleep as well as help pain in some.



5HTP: 
A substitute for tryptophan.  (Ingredient in turkey that makes us so tired).  




Sleepytime tea:
This is for mild insomnia.  Not as strong as the above.  I also like tension tamer tea.

Celestial Seasonings 

Light affects how much melatonin your body produces. During the shorter days of the winter months, your body may produce melatonin either earlier or later in the day than usual. This change can lead to symptoms of SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder or winter depression.

Natural melatonin levels slowly drop with age. Some older adults make very small amounts of it or none at all.

Search Amazon.com for sleep disorders with bipolar

Some helpful natural remedies for a good nights rest.

Hops Valerian Complex
Lecithin Granules
Melatonin 3 mg
Hawthorn Berry Standardized Extract

Is BP a blessing or a curse?

 If someone like Van Gough, Beethoven, Edgar Allen Poe, Charles Dickens,  Jim Carey or Abe Lincoln can accomplish such great feats in life beyond anything the rest of us normal zombies can create, then how can any of us judge someone or say how they act isn't normal?  Its normal for them.

My husband was given drugs to regulate his mood swings which are very erratic.  This tends to make him feel maybe what we consider is normal or maybe a little less than normal.  If you’ve experienced the high’s he has,  and been able to create like he does would you stay on this medication?  That is a tricky question.   The lows are extreme also. 

David will normally just try to self medicate to feel normal.  The drugs he used to take would help temporarily until the consequences of his actions step in and take control of the situation by either suicide or a huge wake-up call and a big change of behavior.  He would live with constant guilt.  I always wish he knew how wonderful he is.  I wish everyone understood him like I do.  And to have the will power he had to detox off all those pain pills like oxycontin, oxycodone and methadone on his OWN!  Its an absolute miracle!  I'm very proud of him!

10 Key Marriage Tips for Bipolar

My husband came home from seeing his psychiatrist and he was told most bipolar sufferers don't stay married.  Being married to a man with bipolar I can understand how this happens.  I've observed within my relationship and other relationships that suffer with bipolar what works and what doesn't.  So, from my experience to you.  This is what I've learned.

• Spirituality is key.  A strong faith can get you far and help so much.  Hay House Radio is a good source that I use for inspiration.
www.hayhouseradio.com
• A spouse that understands your situation.  Reading books that help you understand what they feel is normal and how you act is normal.  I added a book that will help below.
• Exercise makes a big difference.
• Taking the right vitamins helps so much.  I've added a link below where I get my vitamins.
Save 20% - 50% on All Vitamin World Brand Items! Shop Now >
• Getting sleep.  This is a tough one.  A Bipolar sufferer needs their sleep.
• Giving them their space when they need it, which they seem to need a lot of. 
• Encourage your partner and show him/her you believe in them no matter what.  Patience!! 
• Addictions can be an issue.  Don't enable, do what you can to support them to stay off drugs and alcohol.  In my experience these only lead to death by suicide or more extreme mood swings.  Read book below.
• Join a support Group.
• We like to take long drives while I read to him.  I read him inspirational books like The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. 

Buy 1 Get 1 Free or Buy 1 Get 1 50% off on selected items at Vitamin World! Shop BOGO Deals Now >

Another trip to the ER

Just when you think your in the clear and things are going smooth, reality kicks in and reminds you that bipolar is a full time disease that takes no vacation.
I saw tears in his eyes.  I knew something was very wrong.  He wanted dinner but after his confession of yet another overdose the tears overtook his hunger.  I then learned that he had vomited most of the trazadone he had taken yet we took no chances and went to the ER.  Alcohol always seems to be the one thing that drives him over the edge of that cliff.
As I walked in the front door I felt like a ghost seeing all my past experiences in this place.  I walked by the room where my now passed mother stood with her arm around me as I was crying in fear of losing my husband the last time he overdosed.  Another room I walked by was the time he drank to much tequila, cut up his hand and took to many pills and was being stitched up while I angrily sat there wishing this nightmare would end.  Thank god my brother was there to play my hero that day.  To many memories and none of them warmed my heart except the love my parents gave me when I needed it.  I sure do miss my mother.
Earlier that day, before any of this had happened, he had several phone calls with doctors, bill collectors, ORS and others.  It seemed they all wanted to tell him he was forgetful and crazy.  It was as if they all joined a make David crazy group and made him feel like a freak.
I just want him and everyone suffering from this disease to see how wonderful and unique you really are.  I added a list on here of all kinds of famous amazing human beings that also have bipolar.  I am so proud of David and his talent he possesses.  If any of you have ever met a bipolar you know how gifted they are.  My husband is no exception.  Watching him draw is mesmerizing.  I rarely get to watch because he doesn't like an audience when he is creating.  He is full of life as well.  More so than the rest of us when he is feeling his ups.  Its contagious and so much fun.  I just wish his downs didn't have to be so hard on him.

Alternative therapies are out there for bipolar disorder!

Nothing worked.  David was nothing more than a zombie.  The doctors had him so drugged that he would sit for hours, days sometimes weeks and hardly move.   I was desperate to help him.  I researched books on depression.  Did internet searches looking for an alternative to the pills the doctor was giving him because he needed something that didn't cause him to feel worse and put him in a catatonic state.   A friend of mine told me someone she knew what working with Truehope.  She gave me their link.  The customer service department was amazing!  They told me to go to the vitamin store and purchase supplements that they suggested and didn't sell or some they did but showed me a cheaper route since my budget was low.  They called me once a week to see how I was doing.  I even talked to the owner from Canada.  He helped so much.  He even helped David get rid of Acid Reflux and Ulcers!

They are a nonprofit company.  The owners wife passed away from suicide, they had 10 kids and their children inherited bipolar ADHD.  The wifes father had passed due to suicide.  Check out their website at www.truehope.com and read about it.  He wanted to help their kids so that is what started truehope.

When we first got involved David was on a long miserable self detox.  He was getting off the oxycontin, oxycodone, methadone and xanex.  They told us to get Amino Acids 5000 mg (for detoxing), Inositol Powder 10K mg a day diluted in water,  Empower Plus, Omega 3 5000 mg a day.  This helped him a lot.   You would need to call and see what they prescribe for you specifically to your situation.  They even have a program if you need financial assistance.  I know we had our rough times and they helped us by sending free bottles of Empower Plus.  They were a godsend.  I added a youtube video below from someone who experienced relief from this program.

Definition of a Tortured Artist from wikopedia.

From Wikopedia!  I liked this article.

The tortured artist is a stock character and real-life stereotype who is in constant torment due to frustrations with art and other people. Tortured artists feel alienated and misunderstood due to the perceived ignorance or neglect of others who do not understand them and the things they feel are important. They sometimes smoke, experience sexual frustration and recurring heartbreak, and generally appear overwhelmed by their own emotions and inner conflicts. They are often mocked in popular culture for "thinking too much," being quixotic, or coming across as pretentiously adverse to happiness and fun. Other stereotypical traits vary between extremes - from being narcissistic, histrionic, and extroverted to being self-loathing, and introverted. Tortured artists are often self-destructive in behavior, and are often associated with mental health issues such as substance abuse, borderline personality disorder, depression, or bipolar disorder. Tortured artists are often prone to self-mutilation and suicide.

[edit]More Examples of Artists with Bipolar

• Jeremiah Clarke
• Darby Crash
• Ian Curtis
• Ernest Hemingway
• Frida Kahlo
• John Lennon
• Edgar Allan Poe
• Robert Schumann
• Elliott Smith
• Layne Staley
• Hunter S. Thompson
• John Kennedy Toole
• William Kurelek
• Virginia Woolf
• Sylvia Plath
• Al "Blind Owl" Wilson
• Michael Jackson

Famous People With Bipolar Disorders  A Must See Video

Famous people with bipolar

I think that its interesting to note that some of the most admired people  had or have bipolar mood disorder (formerly knows as "manic depression").


There is a long list I found on wikopedia.  I will mention some that I find facinating.  This may surprise you. I know it did me!

• Kurt Cobain (wrote a song about lithium)
• Carrie Fisher
• Mel Gibson
• Sinead O Conner
• Ozzy Osbourne  (Duh!  lol)
• Edgar Allen Poe
• Charley Pride
• Axl Rose
• Sydney Sheldon  (One of my favorite Authors)
• Jean Claude Van Damme
• Vincent Van Gogh
• Frank Sinatra
• David Paul (my husband)  he's not famous but wellllll I just had to add him.. : )

I'm sure theres so many more.  What's interesting to me is how many people that have bipolar are artists.  They are so passionate.   I LOVE their passion.  Thats probally why my closest friends have bipolar.  They have a way of pumping me up and getting me excited about things. I believe that the extreme mood swings are what drive their creativity.  Thats what makes them amazing and wonderful people that we all admire.  I would never dare imagine what it would be like on the flip side when they are feeling down.   I've heard numerous stories of suicide and seen so many people shaking their head in disbelief.  No one really grasps the complexity of bipolar unless you live with it or have it.  


If your bipolar consider yourself blessed and admired by many.  I know its hard and can only imagine what its like to experience those highs. I assume thats why bipolars tend to self medicate to maintain what they feel is normal.  Which of course increased their highs and their lows and drives them to suicidal tenancies amongst other things.


Who did I miss on this list?  I'd be very interested to see more if you know of anyone.

Side Effects of Pain, Suffering, and Addiction... Suicidal Tendancies

The high extreme moments then the withdrawals from running out of pills.  The sickness, vomiting, diarrhea, and the mood swings.  The constant throbbing in my arms never to gain any relief except taking more and more pills.  I couldn't take it anymore.   I woke up and I couldn’t figure out where I was at.  I had no clue.  Was I dead?  Why do I hurt so bad?  I must be alive!   I kept going back and forth between sleep and wake feeling an uncomfortable feeling in my lower regions as I had a catheter put in me.  As I looked around I saw my wife and her mother on the floor next to me. How did I live after taking all those pills?  I was embarrassed.  I should have felt relieved but I didn't.  I couldn't believe I was still alive!  

This happened in May 10 2007 I was having such a hard time with an addition and chronic pain problems.  The doctors had me on oxy, lortab everything you name it.  They tried depression medication which didn’t help.  All I knew was I was in pain mentally and physically.  There was no reason to live my hope was gone.  I knew the demons had overcame my senses.  I lost myself entirely!  I lost my ability to feel love, hope, happiness and all I knew was fear.  My bipolar had worsened and the addictions had increased.  I was left with me the shallow shell that I was at the time.  This was not the first time I had experienced this moment.  I’d rather not explain to you each time as they all are so similar except for the one I mentioned before in a previous post that changed my life and my faith forever.

Pain Medications From David Paul's Diary Excerpts

After a long struggle with the addictions I had in the past, I had another setback.  I did very well until I had to have surgeries on my arms from damaging them with overuse.  It started so innocently with one surgery, recovery then another.  With each surgery the pain increased.  They sent me to a pain clinic which was a huge mistake!  You don’t give oxycontin to an ex-heroine addict and expect him to take it like he’s supposed to.  That started me on a path that would either kill me or teach me a valuable lesson.  Which thank God it was the valuable lesson.  I married my wife right after the doctor decided I needed a pain clinic.    Our first few years were unforgettable!  I’ll tell you more later!  

Encounter with an Angel~ Suicide Attempt~ David's Diary Pages

Years ago, I was facing my third DUI, a massive drug addiction, being an alcoholic.  I felt I couldn’t go on living this way.  I planned my own death.  I will elaborate more on why.  This is the first time I learned I had bipolar but not the first time I attempted suicide.  I didn’t want to live.    I gave my kids all my valuable collectibles, everything that meant anything to me.  I wrote my letters goodbye.  The next thing I remember is, I saw my mother as I was hovering over my lifeless body.  I felt my spirit go through the top of my head.  I remember my mother leaning over my body begging for her sons life.  Please lord!  Please bring him back!  Don’t let him die! Then I saw black.  This part confuses me still to this day.  The next thing I remember is a huge room, like a lunchroom.  I saw a woman with blond hair, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, next to my wife.  She came to me in a white dress that was glowing unlike anything I’d ever seen.  I asked if she was an angel.  She didn’t deny it only chuckled.  She asked if I wanted to get help.  I said yes.  She said I needed help and that I needed to clean up and start my life over.   Then I would have a good life.  After this, I passed out again.  The hospital social worker came into my hospital room and I asked him about this woman I saw.  Everyone insisted I had spoke to no one and went to no other room.  My mother and sister were there and asked if I agreed to being locked up and I said I did.    I was in an institution to detoxify for 3 weeks and taken from there to court to be sentenced for my third DUI.  My license was taken away and I was put in jail.  After 60 days I was released and I had volunteered to go to the United Way treatment center for my drug addiction.  I was there for 7 months.  They let me out once and I automatically wanted to use.  I was fighting with my girlfriend.  The only recourse I had was to get locked up again.  

That’s when I decided to change my life live for david paul.  I then opened a store and taught myself how to build furniture and paint.  I had a gallery.  Did all the art shows I could do all without a vehicle.  I was begging for vehicles and help.  I did very well!!  I had opened 2 galleries and my life was complete.  Its amazing how when my life started being more productive and drug free my wife walked into my life!!!!  We only met then, it took many years later for us to get together.

Hope and the quest for Happiness

As I was at Walmart waiting in line I could see the endless faces of impatience, anger, frustration and out of no where the most beautiful sound in the world made it all disappear.  I heard a babies laughter.  Immediately the faces of those around me seemed to relax and grins appeared.  One child's laughter erased all the negativity we all shared at that moment.   Suddenly I felt lighter as if I were not in Walmart but instead as calm as if I were standing by the side of the ocean listening to the crashing of waves.  It was infectious and I laughed to.  Find happiness in the little things.  Look for it!

Have you ever heard the saying when life hands you lemons you make lemonade?  It is so true!  That term can be used in so many directions.  We go to the doctor and he asks us a few questions, gives us a test and slaps a label on us.  Now we are Bipolar or depressed.  Heres some pills this will fix everything.  The mistake we make is that we are not depressed and we are not Bipolar!.  Depression or Bipolar is a word doctors made up to describe a symptom we have. To often we label ourselves.  We are spiritual beings in a physical body.  We laugh, we cry, and we have anger.   Your a beautiful person and the only person who can make you happy is you.  

Everyone says in order to love another you must first learn to love yourself.  It starts with confidence in who you are.  Take baby steps towards finding confidence in yourself.  One day at a time.  Hobbies are a great way to find inner peace.   As I mentioned my husband is an artist and finds comfort in painting or drawing.  He feels time passes by so fast as he is drawn into his world of creativity.  I myself love to write, paint, read and draw.  Do what makes YOU happy!!  Find time for yourself today and tomorrow.  What do you like to do?

Sunny

I have posted a picture of my best friend Sunny on my blog pages.  Sunny lit up the room and my life with her infectious smile!  She taught me how to live again with a smile on my face.  I wish I could have done the same for her.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem one she cannot take back.  She left 3 beautiful children behind and if she could take it back she would.  I will miss you Sunny!  This was the result of depression, drugs, alcohol due to problems she had in her past.  We will miss you and hope others can learn from this and make the world a better place.  I love you Sunny!

There is HOPE. Living with BiPolar

As I walked outside today the rain was falling down melting the snow I felt a glimpse of hope.  Hope is rare some days.  When the mortgage payments are lagging and the snow is holding you captive in your home it can be refreshing to watch it melt.  I met my husband in 1993.  I walked into an Art Gallery and there were his paintings drawing me in like a waterfall draws ones eyes without escape.  I had to paint like him.  I asked the woman behind the desk to please ask if I could take lessons.  As I held my breath, she said he does do lessons and would let me know.  I was elated!
As he walked into my first lesson his tall handsome presence took my breath away!  I was so nervous how could  I focus on painting a picture?   Well I did very well, after he left the room to attend his store. : ) I was very young and shy.  He had no idea how I felt, and I couldn't explain how I couldn't breath when he was around me. After 4 paintings we went our seperate ways but the magnetic pull between us never faded.  About 4 years later he moved close to where I lived and the more time I spent with him the more  I felt I couldn't ever live without him.  I did though.   It wasn't until 2004 that we started dating finally!  We were married in 2005 and immediately he continued to have numerous surgeries on his arms.  It was so hard for him to deal with the constant pain.   Well the alternative is pain pills.  Which of course the doctors would give him without question.
My husband is Bipolar.  If you have ever met a Bipolar you know they can have addiction issues.  Everything they do in life, they do with a passion.  I guess taking pills might make him feel a high that makes him feel happy or normal.  Not without paying the price.  We went through the first 4 years of our lives doing our best while dealing with an addictions to oxycontin, oxycodone, methadone, alcohol and xanax to name a few.  I can't tell you how many times the bottle got washed, stolen, ran over, and lost.  They never did.  The emotional part of it was hard on everyone.  Including my teenage son.  I have gained 50 pounds since this all began.
It may have had something to do with my best friend killing herself in 2006.  Or watching my mother suffer horrifically with lung cancer for 2 years until she passed just recently in August 2009.  Or my career as a mortgage broker going haywire from this economy. Or the numerous trips we have made to the ER as we would watch my husband fighting for his life from an overdose and/or suicide attempts.  He not only has Bipolar, Depression, ADHD but he is also a Chronic Pain sufferer.  He has Ulna nerve damage on both arms.  Which is devastating to an artist. This is my blog to tell you all there is HOPE.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  My husband has been off pain medication for 2 years now.  The side effects are less, but still there from years of abuse to pills.  He is supposed to take medication to stabilize his moods and help his nerve damage.  Which we have and I will talk about later.  This was a good Intro to help you understand what I'm writing about.  Tried to make a very long story short.   Talk to you soon!